I have been guilty a few times of hanging out and having sex with my ex’s after we have broken up. There is something so addictive, intoxicating and easy about having your ex around when you want to vent, snuggle, go out or have sex. Hell, at times it seems wayyyy easier than trying to find someone new to date. Your ex knows you; there is a comfort there that is not easily replaced. Is this a relationship? Sounds like it, but no. Your ex is your ex for a reason, so easily we forget this and get caught up in the cycle of breaking up and getting back together.
The first few weeks feel like death after a relationship has ended. Getting used to not only no longer seeing the person anymore, but not receiving any texts, phone calls, NOTHING is extremely hard. It’s like you are in detox, which makes you want them back even more. This is where a lot of us make the mistake of crawling back and asking for another chance. It seems easier to feel the pain of being in a relationship that is not right, rather than the pain of being temporarily alone.
I think we often get this pain of being “alone” mixed up with our fears generated from our ego. Our ego tells us that we need this validation for the other person, proof that they still want us, that we meant something to them. And there we go again, crawling back, asking them for another chance, that you can do better, that you can make it work. Our ego also stimulates our need for drama in our relationships; we become addicted to the ups and downs. This is what we come to expect and accept as OK in our relationships. All relationships have ups and downs, this is not that type of relationship problems I am talking about, it is when you have definitively decided time and time again your relationship is over for GOOD reason and keep going back for more pain, this in my opinion is unhealthy.
There is also the intoxicating allure of the break-up sex. Everything seems more exciting for a while after you have broken up. You are not talking about your problems and/or your relationship for that matter and are just having fun. It’s all just a distraction though, this feeling is only temporary, it’s not real.
The fact of the matter is the relationship didn’t work for a reason. It’s no one’s fault in the end. Dragging it on only delays the inevitable…..another break-up. And so the cycle continues…
Some of you would say, but what about the exceptions? There are those people who break up and end up getting back together, getting married and living happily ever after (or do they?). I am sure this happens, and kudos to those that can overcome a separation and get back together on equal, loving terms. BUT for the most part, there are underlying issues why people part to begin with; these issues should not be looked at lightly.
The best advice I was every given was to give yourself a 60 day cleanse from your ex. NO contact at all. In this time you focus on yourself and no one else (that’s right no dates with anyone else either!!) This gives your mind and body time to get over the other person before you bring someone new into the mix. I have done the cleanse and it is not easy, but as each day goes by it gets easier and by the end of it I assure you 99% of the time you look back and think, “Why did I even like that dude?”
I still hang out with one of my most recent ex’s from time to time. We hang out, have sex sometimes, but I feel so unattached. He hurt me so bad at the end of our relationship that I checked out. Now when we hang out it is comforting, but there is something missing. That desire to move forward in the relationship is no longer there. So what is the point? Why am I still doing this from time to time? I am hoping that it will just phase itself out. I have made a conscious plan not to contact him anymore to see each other. The hardest part is I still really like him as a person outside of the relationship.
As I approach 30, it is my position that I need to start demanding more of myself, loving myself and knowing that I CAN and WILL find a relationship that will fulfill me more than these previous relationships ever did or could.
What about you? Are you ready to demand more of yourself and from your relationships? You can do it:)